I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
also, did you notice that when he quoted your email he used MLA format?
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
Randomize
