It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
He said to use 30 racks as chairs and then drink til we fall thru the box
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
Randomize
