Either your mom needs to stop making spagetti or we need to lay off the anal. I cant tell you how much im in pain.
Spagetti cuz im not giving up the other one.
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
nothing worse than walking out of class after 3 hours and having covered exactly zero information
walking out with herpes. that would be worse
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
Where are you in relation to the mariatchi band?
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
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