You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
sleazy september. first one with mono loses.
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
Randomize
