Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
he threw mangos from the tree he was in at people and got arrested for harassment
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
I feel like we had some profound moment last night, but I can't really recall much past your ass turning up the volume on the radio.
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
Your ex spoke highly of your penis and it’s skill. I’m interested in learning more about it ;-)
Randomize
