you think thats bad? Today I had to pop a zit on my sack.
How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
Randomize
