I think I am morally bankrupt
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
But on a side note, how the fuck do you "accidentally " get peed on
Randomize