I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
I have a music final in an hour so I put all the classical songs we need to know in a shower power hour playlist, beer included.
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
My breath smells like gin and sadness
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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