its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
I FOUND THE PROF I'M GOING TO FUCKKKK.
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
Randomize
