Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
Maybe you should have studied instead of worrying about who is going to have sex with you
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
Who is naked dude in the kitchen?
Randomize
