Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
what day is it and did you see me today?
everyone who works at gamestop is basically destined to live with their parents for the rest of their lives... so i said no.
She bet her virginity on the Celtics. Looks like Kobe wont be the only one breaking in a new ring.
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
So here I am, sexting at work.
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