party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
must go to store soon wiping with panty liner ugh
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
I mean there are real risks associated with having unprotected sex, but I don’t think I need to worry about a ghost possessing me and having unprotected sex while using my body
Randomize
