sometimes when i'm walking through campus i wonder how many of these people have seen me puke
Just took my morning after pill in the library
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
I really wanna talk..
if by talk you mean have nasty makeup sex involving marshmellow fluff.. I'm down
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
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