My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
She used the word "fragged" in proper context. tell me that's not bust-nut hot.
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
i made up my own drinking game and i took a secret shot every time someone asked me about school or my future
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Randomize
