I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
we were doing it doggy-style and i felt him pop that pimple on my back.I have mixed feelings about it
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
I laid naked in his bed as he brought me an ice cream sandwich so I would say everything worked out great
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
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