your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
i found waldo and immediately set him to work eating me out. please have more out of season costume parties.
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
please god let this picture I just uploaded not have my vagina in it
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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