Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
Hey kate, how is it?
sloppy...it's emily. kate just tried to do a keg stand. they dropped her. we're leaving.
operation have a gay friend backfired
all of his pictures were taken on a library computer, how did you even consider fucking him?
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
Randomize
