I took Valium worth by frank. I squabble
Li shadha you vin. It's phot out. I just ate a fried Oreo
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
This is what happens when wu tang raised you
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
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