we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
Does your throat ever get sore from being choked too hard or do u think I'm just getting sick??
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
Just saw someone tackle someone else to the ground for their coors light; he's not getting back up.
Yea, now that Irene is hitting us stores aren't selling any alcohol; beer is now a precious commodity.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
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