So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
i've come to the conclusion that there is no classy way to apply chloroseptic spray to your butthole.
like if they didnt have tits and vagina, they have no idea how uninteresting to us they would be
Is it bad to use cherry nyquil as substitute for grenadine? Because i just went there.
Nah, totally cool. It already has the alcohol in it.
She's like a pop up book from hell.
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
Randomize