no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
Randomize
