I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
Well, it's 24 hours till finals. I need high A's on all of them and I still am not sure where exactly on campus most of my classes took place.
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
I feel like death gave me a hand job
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
right now I need to figure out a smart way to get an accurate picture of his dick so I know what in dealing with, right now in flying blind.
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
Randomize
