I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
Its name is Richard. And I think he formally introduced us.
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
no body wants to do anything today cause it's too cold, but a guy can only masturbate so many times a day. Ya know
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
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