oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
You all can go fuck yourselves. As far as I'm concerned, don't come back to karaoke.
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
Randomize
