When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
Not my type, but the penis looks fun.
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
Randomize
