He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
THAT'S NOT NICE
NEITHER WAS PROMISING NOT TO TAKE MY SISTER'S VIRGINITY, THEN PROMPTLY DOING SO
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
Randomize
