You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
Well hey if hot cowboys are involved then all bets are off.
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
Randomize