my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
This bar is like a mediocre whore house....but free
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
Part of me really wants this picture, but the other part of me knows if he is really this drunk, he could be sodomizing a lamp and not know it
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Randomize
