Don't you think facebook is a bit pretentious, suggesting friends and all? No facebook, I would NOT like to be friends with a girl whose fiancee I have slept with.
No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
We did hand stand push-ups while beer bonging. Its now a thing
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
Randomize
