R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Randomize
