How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
He came and then made the Jim Halpert face. does that say disappointment or what
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
Randomize
