You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
No. I'm just saying it shows no signs of stopping. My dad was a man-whore well into his 50s.
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
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