he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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