there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
Also, the greatest of ironies: I got shampoo confiscated by security while Corey managed to get pot through. MERICA!
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
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