He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
And then he said "good night girls" and kissed each one before I put my shirt back on
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
went to the gyno and found out that i have a birthmark on my clit. its like god gave guys a little help when it comes to getting me off.
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
She had one drink in her cleavage and another in her hand. She kept rotating between the two by leaning backward and then sipping the one in her hand.
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
