i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
its not college until your roomate walks in on you having sex in his bed. twice
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
Do you have any pics of the gummy penis incident?
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
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