it cannot be done, he is unbreakable.
What?
..he cannot be seduced..she had to have roofied him.
Details.
I may or may not have just irish jigged at a bar. And broken out in a sweat from it. Not a good sign for that marathon yo.
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
Randomize
