My underwear smells like fireworks.
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
Oh come on. There's no way I was the only female choir student taking shots in the back room.
Yea you just drank all the Hookah water, then started talking gibberish about the Kool Aid you just drank.
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
There is a time and place for BDSM, in-between disney sing-alongs is not one of them.
Randomize
