I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
He better not be in your backpack
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
Aint no party like a Broke College Girls Eating Stuffed Crust Pizza party
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
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