i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
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