hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
Party in the USA is so catchy!
Yea, so is AIDS.
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
I am mentally ready for anal.
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
Randomize
