He keeps looking? I tried to shag. I invited him to this table but he went to ze other one! If he shaves his 'tache I would totally hit it.
I sk at the spereo and my dad gave me and all access pass
what???
AN ALL ACCESS PASSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
Randomize
