You just made me feel so damn special
He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
One small step for man, one big gay fierce leap for gays!
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
Holy shit dude........stairs
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