Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
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