One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
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