she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
I am burnt. Have a black eye. Face dove into the grass and got pissed on. Time of my life. God Bless the USA.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
if i drink i'll go into liver failure but ok
totally worth it, dude its $1 pbr
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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