I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
Does this mean you'll turn into an Albanian at the next full moon?
he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
that girl is introducing herself into your group of friends one dick at a time.
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
It was just like the old times. We watched movies and shit. But not like old times-i fucked her hot brother when she was in the shower? Times are a'changin.
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
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