I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
ok what kind of idiot turns down casual afternoon sex?
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
TINY HANDS NOT FOR BUTTHOLES
This is going everywhere on the internet.
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
Randomize
