Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
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