using no condom is gross. my vagina has a dress code.
take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
