Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
I feel like we're taking advantage of the fact that our R.A has cerebal palsey.
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
it was a frathouse cornucopia of foul mixed drinks and "sangria", which im convinced was blood and pcp
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
Its official, if she bites your dick through your jeans, ya'll go together. A lesson you shouldn't have to learn after the fact.
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
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