I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
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