So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
what made it akward was his girlfriends dog watching us have sex
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
There's a big ass bed, hella ecstasy, and I can guarantee you'll regret every second that you remember.
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
The ass gains better be worth it
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
Randomize
