i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
This went bad. Everyone is crying, i dont know why and I am really uncomfortable.
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
I came so hard my ears popped.
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
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