Who said anything about talking that was a booty call
Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
He said we were driving the golf cart through the woods screaming 'iceroad truckers' for four hours in the dark
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
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