We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
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