We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
I'm not big on drama but you need to put your pants on and leave.
She's wear your skin crazy! Is it wrong that I'm gonna fuck her 1 more time though?
Randomize
