Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
We hooked up with his aunt passed out next to us. It was just like old times.
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
I wanna get freshman fucked up and do shady things on the last Friday of my youth.
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
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