So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
Is it really that bad? I heard it was like pooping. I like pooping.
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
foreskin is a definite game changer
I think your dad took our porno
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
