Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
I ate you ate to the whole david gray album
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
so third time im replacing the batteries on my vibrator in 2 months #sosingle....on another note though, black beauty is raring to go
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
