I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
Just pull your dick out and wink at her, its a game changing play
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
Randomize
