Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
he had his head down and said he was listening for the buffalo, he had to still be drunk.
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
Alive.
So much puke
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
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