My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
but seriously ill do anyone in one of those hats with the earflaps.
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
hr gave me pretxwk salad and a doubke shot of grey goose. i approve! tou guys are a beautidil couple.
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
Randomize
