I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
So you don't take a regular pic with her, but you take a selfie with her ass. Interesting...
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
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