I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
animal crackers drenched in taco bell mild sauce... surprisingly delightful
breakfast of champions
breakfast of stoners
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
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