someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
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