i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
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