Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
This question may sound intrusive, but how did pushing out a baby affect your vagina?
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
Woke up with a bed full of sand...care to explain?
Isnt is self explanatory?
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
Randomize
