just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
I'm eating all of the evidence.
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
Germany has fetish clubs for everything. We are going to Germany. Germany is our friend.
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
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