He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
I am 100% positive that I have seen a porno that was shot in this bar.
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
ill let you put your finger in a lot of things. but a ring is not one of them.
Randomize
