So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
i think i got so emotional from a mix of getting my period and slapping the bag like five times
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
Randomize
